I was 19 when I first learned that, for some, there is a deadline for single women to meet someone and settle down — and it is well before 30 years old. I remember the day vividly. My aunt and I were cooking while watching one of our regular African dramas with cliché storylines when a scene about a 30-year-old woman who was having relationship issues and couldn’t find a suitable husband came up. “Women like this need prayers,” she said, pointing her cooking stick towards the character before turning it towards me. “You better start dating now before you become a leftover woman like her.” Due to my naivety, I agreed with my aunt and joined her in mocking the character, vowing to never become “a leftover woman.”
I’m 30 now. Half of my friends are married, the other half are either planning to get married, have kids already, or have been in a long-term relationship. Meanwhile, I have never been in a relationship or dated anyone. When I share this with anyone, it always provokes a level of shock and an even more dramatic reaction from African aunties; some can’t believe I would come up with such a blatant lie, and others reckon that I’ve probably been living under a rock while most assume I’m overly religious.
None of those assumptions are true. Even though I’d like to blame my lack of dating experience on an invisible winnowing of dating opportunities and on my reserved African culture where relationships were never discussed (other than one awkward conversation during my graduation when my parents asked me whether I had a “friend” — the African euphemism for “boyfriend” because God-forbid they taint their mouths with such a lewd word) I know that’s not entirely it.
I did all the normal stuff that other women do throughout their lives; I went to college. I went to clubs, hung out with my friends, and I’ve interacted with lots of guys on a day-to-day basis. And whereas this normal approach to meeting a partner seemed to work for my friends, it just didn’t work for me. And truthfully, it might never be and I’m finally learning to be okay with that.
We have witnessed a great shift in the modern dating culture in recent years. What were once considered unconventional dating practices, such as non-monogamous relationships, are currently gaining mainstream acceptance. Abstinence, for instance, was traditionally linked to religious reasons or seen as an involuntary circumstance stemming from a lack of romantic prospects. Choosing to be abstinent — especially voluntarily — was, and is, often misunderstood and even stigmatized. It was once assumed that those who abstained from sex were either repressed, undesirable, or missing out on an essential part of life. Now, abstinence and even celibacy are being embraced as deliberate and empowering lifestyle choices, with more people openly sharing their experiences online. Even celebrities have joined in on the conversation. In May last year, Julia Fox weighed in on controversial billboards by Bumble ads that appeared to mock celibacy. “2.5 years of celibacy and never been better tbh,” Fox commented on TikTok
“Ask yourself, are you truly missing out on something or do you have an assumption that checking this particular box would fulfill a level of happiness that [you]need to find internally?”Dr. Racine Henry, a relationship expert and licensed marriage and family therapist
“Ask yourself, are you truly missing out on something or do you have an assumption that checking this particular box would fulfill a level of happiness that [you]need to find internally?”
Compared to a decade ago, young people are said to be much happier with singlehood. Last year, the Guardian reported that one in five adults are now single and have stopped dating entirely, with 60 percent of those in this group being women.
We’ve also seen a rise of women on TikTok candidly sharing their stories about having no romantic history and how they’ve learned to embrace it. The hashtag, #neverbeeninarelationship, has accumulated close to 50 million views. In one such TikTok video, a Black woman who goes by the username, isiletsgetbusy, explains how she’s finally coming to terms with the fact that she’ll probably never be in a relationship. “I used to cry about it a lot. Now I just know I need to go about my life and business and whoever I attract, that’s how I’m going to meet someone.”
Dr. Racine Henry, a relationship expert, and licensed marriage and family therapist, suggests that one of the reasons that Black women are becoming comfortable with sharing their lack of dating experience stories online is to foster a community for shared experiences and get rid of the stigma. “Historically, we’ve always relied heavily on sisterhood to fill the gaps of what life is not providing organically,” she says. “By sharing their stories, more Black women are finding solace and they are also able to say the quiet part out loud for so many others who may be experiencing the same thing and feel ashamed about it.”
With the now rampant usage of social media, Dr. Henry adds that sharing our experiences on social media can feel liberating because you feel like you’re talking to yourself or that nobody will ever see or hear what you post. “Part of embracing yourself, and your non-dating experience too, includes the parts that once brought you shame or grief. I’ve noticed that more Black women are being vocal about our truths, regardless of who doesn’t like it.”
However, while being single and abstinent is slowly being viewed as a completely normal reaction to the chaos of modern dating, being an African woman with no dating experience at 30 comes with the burden of shame and pressure to not only get married but also have kids. In Kenyan culture, it is expected that by the age of 27, a woman is getting ready to settle down with a potential partner and move out of her parent’s house. By the age of 30, my mum was already married, had a stable job, a house she’d built with my dad, and a two-year-old toddler plus another on the way. By comparison, the only thing I have going on is a semi-stable job since I still live with my parents. By my mum’s standards, I’m pretty much behind on everything.
I’ll admit, sometimes I feel like there’s something inherently wrong with me. And under the weight of shame, I nearly met up with a random stranger I’d met from a dating app at his house after exchanging a few scanty conversations (I’ve never even been to some of my friends’ houses). But as I stood there, seconds away from following him to his house, something in me hesitated. Why was I doing this? Was I trying to prove something?
Like me, if you’re a Black woman who has felt pressured to follow a traditional dating and marriage timeline, Dr. Henry suggests, “Ask yourself, are you truly missing something or do you have an assumption that checking this particular box would fulfill a level of happiness that [you] need to find internally? Try to shift focus to how you can feel like a whole person and fill your life with things that are currently attainable without over-prioritizing a romantic relationship that may or may not work out the way [you]are imagining. It all starts with reevaluating whether the pressure is causing an over-emphasis on something you’ve always been told you should have.”
Even though I’m a 30-year-old woman with no dating experience, I’m finally learning to be indifferent to it. It doesn’t define me, it’s just another part of me, like how I’ve never been on a rollercoaster ride or eaten watermelons. And if I do eventually end up dating, it will be on my own terms — without pressure, without compromise, and with someone who adds to my life rather than diminishes it.
This article was originally published on Unbothered’s UK edition
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